I first met God on the top of a mountain. The wind was cool in my hair, the sun was warm on my face, and I could feel the love and grace of God just pour down from heaven on me…. Not really. I always wanted to have a testimony like that.
Life was really bad. I was so far away from God, so drenched in sin that I had carved a huge hole- a pit of despair. And it was there, in the bottom of that hole, that Jesus came to me and lifted me out! He forgave me for every sin and gave me a new life…. Not really. Always wanted a testimony like that, too.
I’ve always felt a little cheated because I don’t have one of those dramatic testimonies with moments of life-changing clarity. No, mine is far more of a lazy river testimony than a roaring waterfall. You know, those manmade rivers in the waterpark where you just float along, not expending much energy, drifting away a bit and then drifting back. That is what my life of faith has been like up until about 3 years ago.
I was born into the Methodist church and baptized at 6 months old. My parents were faithful members- there weren’t too many Sundays that we missed church. I came to know the people of this little rural church and I came to know the Bible stories. I remember days in Sunday school, serving as an acolyte, and numerous homecomings and Easter egg hunts. We had some of the best Vacation Bible Schools, too. There was a trail through the woods behind the church that led to a creek and that was our classroom. It was amazing in those woods. Lots of trees to climb, a creek to get your feet wet in… and crawdads! That’s where I first learned the art of catching crawdads. Pretty good thing to learn in VBS, don’t you think?
I know I went through confirmation, but you can’t convince me now that I learned much. Confirmation is supposed to be that wonderful time in your life when you accept Jesus for yourself- confirm the vows made at your own baptism. I think to me, it was just an extension of school, where you went because you were supposed to, but the subject matter was just as exciting as conjugating verbs or memorizing dates in history.
I love music. Music speaks to me in a way that moves my soul, so it is appropriate that it took music to stir my soul and introduce me to God. I was the star of children’s pageants and enjoyed singing in the choir. Truth be known, I enjoyed the accolades. I was good! It was about me, wasn’t it? Well, it was until I was in 9th grade and I was asked to play in a youth praise band. We’re talking late 70’s, so the music was more along the lines of “Day by Day” and “Pass it On” than what we think of as praise music now. We were a pretty good band, and got the opportunity to play at this large venue with many other praise bands. I think we all got to play two or three songs and then someone (and it is a shame I can’t remember who) got up to speak. He talked of God, and love, and of a Jesus who wanted to be my friend- imagine- He wanted to be MY friend! He knew me! I had always seen God as being somewhere off in the distant heavens, but here I was, hearing that HE KNEW ME and wanted to love me more that I had ever been loved before. Before I knew it, my feet were carrying me toward the altar to sing of my undying love for my Savior. That was truly my mountaintop experience.
A short 3 years later, I lost my dad. He was my foundation- that rock that our family was built on. And 6 months later I left for college. Probably too many life changes at once, but I came to that next bend in my lazy river and began to meander away from God. Not so I noticed so much. I went to the BSU because they were the most active Christian group on campus. But that became a substitute for going to church. Then my music major schedule- which often had 50 to 60 hour weeks, caused me to even drop that. I didn’t have anything against God, just didn’t have much time for Him.
After graduation, I had meandered down that river a bit- not far, but far enough that I didn’t even really realize I was missing Him. Life wasn’t bad. I was doing fine- I was a good person. I worked several years and then met a man and started a family. I thought I had met a Christian man- and honestly, he was probably just as committed to his faith as I was at the time. But things change when there are children involved. I wanted them to grow up in the church. I went back to my little hometown church, two boys in tow, and put them in Sunday School. We went to church at least every other week, without my husband.
I decided that the boys needed to be in a church where their school friends would be. So instead of going to “my” church, we moved to the church that is almost in sight of our house. It was here that I would really discover God and the ways He was moving. He used me to help start a children’s choir program. My daughter was baptized here. The boys found their own faith here. And I began to grow in my interest and in my calling.
The one thing missing was my husband. He didn’t ask for a ‘churchy’ wife, he said. I kept inviting him, kept praying for him, and even offered to visit other churches with him so he could find a place where he felt safe. When he left us for the things he loved more than us- women, beer, and drugs, I felt like a true failure. I had broken a promise that I made to God to be with this person forever. I really felt like I was going to walk around with this huge scarlet letter D on my chest. I had watched other women get divorced and wondered what was wrong with them. Why couldn’t they make it work? Now I was having to wonder about myself. Why couldn’t I keep it together? Why, when I felt like I was doing so much right, did this go wrong? And my biggest question of all- how could God use me, knowing how big a failure I was?
But God is so good! He used a powerful group of women on the Walk to Emmaus to show me that God uses everyone- even those who feel like they are damaged, feel like a failure. He surrounded me with women with a powerful message- I’m divorced, but I love God and He loves me and wants me with Him. Flaws and all. That's the most awesome thing about God. He's still gonna love you no matter what.
Well, it got me busy. I took a huge leap of faith and signed on to go on a mission trip to the Blackfeet Indian Tribe in Browning Montana. Now, let me describe this place for you. Imagine flying into the tiniest airport you can imagine. Then, rent a car and drive two hours through the country to, literally, the middle of nowhere. Come to a church that doesn’t have a pastor. The nearest gas station is a 30 minute drive- the nearest Wal-Mart, two hours. I had asked to not work with the children (something I can pretty much do with both hands tied behind my back) because I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. And boy, did I! I worked side by side with a homeless man for two days, and discovered that it isn’t your situation that tells your worth, it is your heart. He had a heart for Christ that was bigger than his circumstances. Who was I to complain about my shortcomings, when all around me were people who literally had nothing. That entire trip was eye opening as well as healing. God sure made some pretty country out there, too.
Have you ever made a new year’s resolution? Yes? Well, how often have you kept it? I decided to make one resolution in 2007 and make it count. The one thing that was really missing up until this point was study. I didn’t KNOW Him very well, wasn’t well-versed in the scriptures, and had never taken a Bible study outside of Sunday school. So the one resolution I made that year was to read the Bible all the way through in a year. That’s a pretty daunting task but let me tell you, it can be done. I know it can! I’m on my 3rd trip all the way through the Bible and, you know what? It’s a really interesting book! It has everything- war, murder, sex, love, friendship… and there’s where you meet God in all His glory. That’s where I learned about His grace, grace that was big enough to scrub that letter D off of my chest without a trace. It’s gone, and not from anything that I did- from His healing powers.
That was 3 ½ years ago. Since then, God has used me in ways I didn’t even see. Jumping around like a fool leading music in children’s ministry, out-of-my-box again leading a Bible study, and really, really out of my box in church leadership. I’ve embraced my failures and my shortcomings because I see what the Disciple James was saying in chapter 1, verses 3 and 4 that you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I don’t know about the “not lacking anything” part, because I still have a long, long way to go. Actually, the more I feel like I’m succeeding in getting closer to God, the more I see how utterly worthless I really am. I can do nothing without Him, but with Him there is nothing that is impossible. Paul says, in Philippians chapter 4, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” so I’m standing tall, facing an unknown future with a God who is so strong that nothing can stop Him. I am also facing a future, possibly alone, but with a God who loves me so much that HE is enough. Any more is just the icing rose on top of the cake. He is all I need, and He has promised to never leave me. And with that, I’ll take the next step forward toward eternity.
