Southern Education for my Northern Friends

So if any of y'all come this way, you'll know what to do to fit right in!

Some sayings you might hear:
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
She's so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.
He's as country as cornflakes.
This is gooder'n grits.
I'm 'bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Busy as a moth in a mitten
Happy as a clam at high tide.

Advice for Northerners moving to the South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You cannot imagine all the uses it will have.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. It might be wise to stay home if they're just PREDICTING snow.

If they are predicting snow, go to the grocery store. Don't ask why. Just go. You're supposed to. You're really supposed to go buy milk and bread, but there won't be any. Everyone else already bought it all.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. Unless you know where things used to be, as in "go down to where Johnny's store used to be and take a left."

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol' ," as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy."

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

Southerners will, however, let anyone pull in front of them who wants to. They expect the same courtesy.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin" is a valid defense.