The Good, the Bad, and the Butt Ugly

I wasn't going to write an end of the year blog, but I changed my mind. I think I need to reflect on 2007, with all it brought, before I look ahead to 2008.

Although James actually left in October 2006, it wasn't until early 2007 that I made the decision to not take him back. The fact that he didn't want to give up his girlfriend really made that an easy decision. That, and the fact that his boys wanted to stay here with me and didn't really want him to come back.

So this year brought a lot of healing and growth. I realized I didn't have the ideal marriage after all. With my blinders off, I could see how he was a taker and a user. He didn't add anything to our quality of life, but instead sucked the life out of everyone around him. I can't believe it took me 13 years to realize that, but the minute he left it was obvious. There is less work to do, less stress, and more freedom. Although the court stuff is just starting, I'm ready for it to be over. He hasn't given us a dime since June, hasn't paid for his truck (which is also on my insurance and credit) and in short, owes me a lot! I hate to know what I am going to go through to try to collect, but if it will help the kids, they're entitled to it. And I'm willing to fight for them to have the life they deserve. (This is the butt ugly part- it feels like I'm having to go through a lot to have some major boil removed from my backside!)

Somewhere about October 2007, my feelings came back. I hadn't missed them, but once I realized I was crying at sad stories again, I was glad to have them back. I suppose that this was my body's way of protecting me from feeling the worst of the hurt and disappointment. Now I'm able to see life through a bit rosier mask, ready for whatever else life might bring me.

My brother has also done a lot of healing this year. His accident in December 2006 killed his wife and left him with many orthopedic injuries. His children were also hurt- most injured was my niece with a broken arm and two broken legs. They were all lucky there were no neurological injuries. Much of my energy that probably would have gone into grieving over my failed marriage went into getting the kids to school, making arrangements for different things like therapy and doctors, and assisting my mom with their caregiving.

One of the biggest blessings this year came in a two-week mission trip to Montana. Savannah and I spent the last two weeks of June in Heart Butte, MT with the Blackfeet Indians. This was healing for me- to not focus on my needs, or my families needs, but to take a look at people who truly have nothing and see how 42 people can make a difference. What we learned was that they made a bigger difference in us than we could have hoped to make in them. I also have a wonderful, 42 member family who I am still close to, bound by this shared experience. We were able to do some sight-seeing, visiting Mt. Rushmore, the Little Bighorn Battlefield, and Glacier National Park (both the US and Canadian sides.) If you ever get a change to see Glacier, GO! It is the most majestic, most awe-inspiring place I have ever been. That is where the picture on the top of my photo album was taken.

Savannah and I have had fun playing in the mountains, riding bikes down old railroad trails, staying in cute B&B's, and just making some mommy/daughter memories. I hope to be able to continue doing that for a long time to come.She is fun to be with!

I also have made a new friend this year. This guy is terrific- someone I can be myself with and who understands at least most of what I say. We did talk about dating, but I don't think I'm ready, and neither is he. But I am grateful to him for making me believe in romance again, for helping me understand that relationships are worth it, and that not all men are bad.

I also have to be grateful for my kids. My stepsons are so much like my own kids that no one knows the difference. I'm fortunate that they're the good kids they are, and if they're growing too fast and ready for adulthood, then I guess I'm doing my job. I want them to slow down and enjoy their last year or two of high school without being so anxious to be adults, but somehow I think every parent of an 18 year old has those feelings. I'm sure my own parents felt that way.

I am immensely blessed to have my 11 year old- she is a wonderful person! She keeps me grounded, and shows me the true meaning of unconditional love on a daily basis. I'm impressed with her maturity, her ability to reason, and her still-childlike faith.

I also have to thank two wonderful groups of people for supporting and loving me this year. The gang at twlforum.com, who have been with me through a 50 lb weight loss and so much more, have offered me unconditional love and support along with a bunch of laughs. I highly recommend getting to know some of these wonderful people, especially if weight loss is one of your goals for 2008. The other group is all you 360/now multiply friends. It is so great to have a  host of people in the room with me whenever I am alone, whenever I need you. You're funny, intelligent, flirty, and friendly, and always are on hand to offer me sage advice and a new perspective on things. I have found some kindred spirits and true friends here, and had a lot of fun doing it! Thanks millions!

And I'm learning that I'm a pretty cool person. Being alone, you'd better like yourself a lot- you're your only company much of the time! So I'm able to look back and see how much stronger, how much wiser, how much more confident I am thanks to 2007.