In my Christmas blog, I mentioned that Chris (who will be 19 years old in 3 weeks) proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted. I'm a little unsteady with this, because they both have 6 months of high school left, she has college plans, and he belongs to the Army after graduation. Actually, he will go to AIT training for 4 months (June-October), come home for 2-3 months, then leave for Iraq in January 2009. So I know he is feeling insecure and figures that if he marries her, he'll be set and she won't leave him (which we all know is no guarantee of fidelity.)
He is also looking to replace the love he doesn't feel coming from his father. Somehow, he needs to know that he is worthy of being loved. However, he told me yesterday that he and his fiance are going to live together, starting now. Herein lies the problem. He lives in my basement apartment. If I let this happen, I will be condoning it (which morally I have a hard time doing.) If I do not allow it, they will move in at his father's house, which means that "party central" will be their digs. Who knows how out of control things will get over there. I know his father lets him drink when he is there, and I have good reason to believe that there are drugs there as well. Also, if I don't let him stay here, he will see this as one more rejection in a line of rejections in his life. (Might I say, his dad would allow him to move in over there, simply because he wouldn't have to pay me more child support for Chris, or so he thinks. He is totally motivated by money at this point.)
I guess I should also say that I like this girl- she is the kind of person I hoped he would end up with (and infinitely better than several of his previous girls) but I know they are moving way too fast. He does feel like his life is over after 6 months. (Honestly, sometimes I think he believes he won't come back from Iraq- which is a possibility, but not a guarantee!)
So please give me your honest opinion about what I should do. I feel like I don't have a good choice either way I go.
Oh Boy. Right now only one thing comes to mind, and that is that you'd probably prefer having him close to you where you can monitor what's going on. If you allow him (now them) to move with his father, you'll worry yourself sick wondering what's going on.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if he feels that this girl is the one, and you show you disapprove, he'll surely rebel against you, and that will just drive him toward his father whose influence you obviously don't want for him.
Not only that, but this is a man who is old enough to fight in a war. He without a doubt feels that he can decide who he marries. He's going to live SOMEWHERE, it might as well be somewhere you can keep an eye on the goings on in his life.
Not only that, but them living together in the basement apt might be a good "feeling out" period, and will expose whether they're even compatible. He may come to his senses once he's been inundated with the responsibilities that co-habitating can bring. It's fun when you do it once in a while, but 24/7 is a whole different story, as we all can attest.
Besides, if they're going to live together, doesn't that mean that she'll be living with you when he goes away? Might not be a bad deal for either of you ladies. You'll both be glad for the support while he's away.
Ok, I guess I had more than one thing to say.
I hope my humble opinion helps.
I can understand why your hesitant about letting her move in, or even letting them move to his father's. Maybe you can kindly let him/them know that you do think they are moving a little too fast. And that no matter how much trust you have in them, your afraid that if they move to his father's, everything will turn to shit. Let them know you just have concern for their lives and not trying to interfere or boss them around, and just care and love them.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we need things pointed out to us... sure we have a right to make our own mistakes and decisions... but I'm sure we all sometimes wish that we had someone to tell us the good and the bad of something we plan on doing but that wasn't such a good decision. And this occasion, should be thought of as one... they shouldn't be offended by your concern, and nor are you trying to control them, but you want to let them know what the possibilities are.
Kind of like when you go out with a guy and your friend tells you how wrong he is for you. You know she might be right, but you deny it, and try the relationship, and in most cases, find out that she was right all along. You made the decision to make the mistake, but at least you were careful to not get your heart broken, etc.
I hope that makes sense. LOL
Have a wonderful day! *hugs*
hmmm, that's a tough spot. Having him move in with Dad is probably not a good idea for the reasons that you mention. You seem to be the only stable and good influence he has right now and alienating him over this isn't going to help him. At the same time, he deserves to know your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps preface this discussion with a statement that as OBilly said, he's old enough to go off to war then he should be ready to accept the responsibilities with being a man, and make his decisions wisely and with forethought. IMHO, and I'll temper this with the statement that I tend to be more liberal than most, I would suggest that the two of them live together for now in your apartment, save the wedding for the future (and any children as well). You would have the benefit of keeping them both out of party central and they could determine whether a marriage is what they both truly desire. Doing so would make him feel that your trust his judgment and respect him as an adult. You'd also have the ability to work with both of them to make their lives better. Day to day living with someone is drastically different than dating as you know, and it may turn out that they'll learn that being together may not have been the best idea. Who knows. Somethings just have to work themselves out.
ReplyDeleteI would allow the kids to live in my basement, there getting married soon anyway, and I would also talk to god about it... but seriously I cant find anywhere in the bible where it says not to live together before marriage... talk to me.. I sure wouldnt want my kid around the drugs or booze
ReplyDeleteThings have calmed down quite alot in Iraq.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! I was leaning towards letting them stay here for most of the reasons you stated, but wanted to make sure it wasn't just me trying to keep the peace. BIlly, you're right that he would rebel and hate me if I tried to stop him- he about freaked out at the frank sex talk this morning, anyway. (Where is his father when we need him?) Doc, I don't know at this point whether their relationship will last (odds are it won't but you never can tell for sure.) I do like having her around- he is a better person when she is around. Only time will tell, but you guys make me feel better about welcoming her into my home. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteDo you like her?
ReplyDeleteYou may even make a friend in the process.
ReplyDeleteI do like her- my biggest worry is the message this sends to Savannah, who is only 11, and adores her, too!
ReplyDeleteMommadish, I feel that I agree with Shawn and with OhBill. Granted, living together in your home, while not married, is not the best thing that they can do but you stated that the two of them living together while over at the party palace would be worse.
ReplyDeleteWhat I tell my daughter when she tells me of these life changing decisions is that, yes, it's her life and yes, I don't approve BUT, I still love her and will do whatever I can to help her, even though she's doing something I don't approve of. She likes that I am honest with her. (No, I don't yell at her. I just tell her in a thoughtful, sort of way. Kind of like two friends discussing their lives at a coffee house.)
Be honest with your son and your future daughter-in-law. Let them know that you don't think living together before they are married is right BUT you DO want them to have a safe home and you're more than happy to give them a safe home that's full of love.
As for your 11 year old, I'd explain things to her with shades of honesty. (Honesty depends on how blunt you want to be with an 11 year old and how emotionally mature they are. You cushion the truth for your kids.) I'd tell her that they love each other and are going to get married and that since your son is going to join the Army, they want to get a homestead started immediately, which is what this sounds like. You know, I know of a lot of young men and women who did this during WWII. The girlfriend would move in with his parents, go to school and such, help around the house and have a built-in support group there.
If he's wanting to fill the hole in his heart with the love that his father won't give, then I think that you have already stepped up to the plate and offered him a lot of love. It's hard when kids are in love and they know that their lives are rushing towards full adulthood. This is the point where your love will mean even more to him. I know that you love him more than he realizes. Sit down and talk to him, woman to man, Mom to man and let him know that you love him and you love his girlfriend and would enjoy making a new friend.
And I think I'm telling you something that you already know, my lady.
It sounds as though you have a great set of children, you son, your daughter and now your son's fiance. I think you've got a great opportunity here to expand your world to let more love into it.
Hmm... I got all mushy. =)
*hugs*
You'll do what's right.
Abby has just ((hugged)) the correct.
ReplyDeleteWhy Bill, did you want a hug too?
ReplyDeleteI've never turned down a hug in my life. However, with my statement, I was suggesting that what you said pretty much summed up the truth.
ReplyDeleteWell, Bill, thank you for your comment.
ReplyDeleteAnd, well, here's your *hug*. =)
Well here's a hug for both of you... *hug* *hug*. Thanks for your insight into this. I have a hard time knowing what is right when I'm in the middle of it- usually it takes getting through something and looking back to know if I was right. That's why it is wonderful to have great friends!
ReplyDeleteIn my case, there is no question what I would do, but telling you what I think you should do is another thing. My thoughts are based on not being Christian and being burdened with rules that are set to make you "prove" yourself rather than flow with nature. I know you are, so we don't have the same basis for choice. However, a belief system doesn't mean we don't all have the same feelings for our kids and know what is right and wrong in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteI would let her move in. I would do anything I could to keep my son happy, and safe. And if it means living with this girl, then that's what it would be. I totally believe there should be a pre-marriage time where you can find out what you have rather than be legally bound to someone and find out they're a jerk. Binding yourself to someone, legally and not emotionally (later) is a terrible way to live out a life. A trial period (as in hand-fasting) makes much more sense to me.
Even though it is against your morals, you seem to know he is going to do this with or without your consent. If it was me, I would make it plain that I do not approve (which he knows), but out of love and concern for HIM, you think it's best for him to stay. He does have the intentions of marrying her. And since you know he'll do it anyway, he is choosing you, and trusting in you over his father...and not being his biological mother, that is a huge compliment and commitment on his part towards you right there.
Savannah is going to have to realize your beliefs are "ideal" and not what reality dictates can happen out there. She's seen that with her father. And if she understands why you are allowing, but not condoning this union, it will be easier for her to operate in the real world. I went out thinking everyone was good and kind, never lied or cheated...HA. Leading a sheltered life is not the way to go, believe me.
Turning your child away when they come to you with a valid reason and need is never right, in my mind. And if a group or book says otherwise, I have no use for it. Plain and simple.Your heart knows. Sorry if I offended anyone. But I think we are friends enough to be able to say something in kindness and still be able to hold eachother in high esteem. xox
Thanks Kat! I asked, and appreciate the honest answers. I really expected to get answers on both sides, and the fact that everyone comes down with "let her move in" makes me feel much better. You're right, sheltering your children, although it is what I want to do, isn't always the best thing for them. I do want to see them all happy, secure, loved, educated, and grounded, and it seems letting her move in accomplishes all that (whether I'm happy about it morally or not.) So here she comes. I know it will all work out the way it is meant to in the end, and this way, support and communication are still present.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you weren't offended...I am very vehement about things and tend to avoid anything to do with religion. I sat and thought a long time...'should I respond?' *whew* I value your friendship, and know you will do what's right for him!! You're a kind, giving person and that doesn't change no matter what we believe!!! hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Kat on the religious thing, it can be a very touchy subject.
ReplyDeleteI really don't have a whole lot to add. I agree with what everyone has said here about letting her move in. I don't know if you knew it but I was married at 17 (I was a few months shy of 18). Nothing ANYONE said could change my mind and trust me there were a lot of people trying to. We were happy for a few years, and then we outgrew each other. However, I do not regret having been married he was there for me in a very difficult time in my life. I still miss him sometimes, though not to the extent I wish we were still married.
I think you have made a very good decision. *hugs*