You'd think, at the age of 41, that I would know myself pretty well by now. I guess I only thought I did, because I seem to learn something new every day. This latest lesson took me by surprise. I was invited to a friend's house for a dinner party on Thursday night. She does this every Christmas and it is a lot of fun- usually 25-30 people. Scott offered to take a table and chairs from the church so she would have enough seating available. I looked at him funny, because I wasn't sure how he was going to get a 6 foot table into a Nissan Maxima. His comment was, well can I put it in your 4-Runner? So that's what we did- laid my back seats down and loaded my car.
There was plenty of unloading/reloading help at the party, and as we were leaving, he asked me when I'd be around Friday so he could help me unload back at the church. I said that I didn't really have plans, and I'd actually thought about running by on my way home and leaving them that night. He convinced me to wait until Friday and he'd help.
Now, I'm not the helpless female. I can sure pull my own weight, and he knows that. So, although I was miffed for about 10 seconds that he didn't think I could carry one little table and 8 chairs, I soon realized that he was just concerned that I not do it by myself, especially in a dark church parking lot late at night. This is so new to me- if he could be concerned about me (and remember, we're nothing more than friends) then what should a husband have been doing all these years? I'm so used to doing things on my own that I'm just now realizing that is how it has always been- I've never had someone who was concerned about me, about whether I was safe, or working too hard, or pulling more than my share. I'm having to re-think how I think- as a friend who was standing there that night said- learn to let him help!
I'm still not helpless, but I'm beginning to understand how letting someone else help helps them in turn. They feel good about helping a friend, just like I would not hesitate to help if the situation was reversed.
Sounds like you have a true friend.
ReplyDeleteYes Abby, I'm beginning to see that I do! And that is so wonderful!
ReplyDeleteWow, he is a great friend!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it is about marriage, and or long term relationships, that changes guys, but all of a sudden the guy that used to always be there for you and helped you with everything starts expecting you to be self sufficient. At least that's been mine and my other friend's experiences. They also seem to decide you aren't capable of making a decision without their help. LOL
Well, I can totally identify with this blog. I am SO shocked when someone offers me help, that I don't know how to reply. But that's what you'd do for a woman friend. Hell, that's what I do for a man friend...but I am also not used to anyone saying "let me get that" or "no, that's too heavy...don't drag it, I'll get it".Those are merely common courtesies that I am not used to. Even at home...I have to ask for help. So, he's a gentleman.
ReplyDeleteAs I have said, I have bad taste in men (and apparently you did too with the Ex shitbag)(sorry) which does not mean good caring polite men aren't out there. Luckily, you met one who may change your outlook even if there is no relationship (yet). I think it's great you are able to see it, and let it sink in rather than bounce off a wall like I have built.
For instance (continuing the amazement) I fell at work the other day on the ice under the snow in the parking lot (and was pissed off because my back didn't hurt that day for a change...) and by the time I left that night, EVERYone knew it...all the guys (I only work with men) and Gary were going to walk me to my car that night so I didn't fall again. Now this is what his wife Charlene has everyday, and doesn't even think it's "nice". I was dumbfounded. And I also got a chuckle out of the mental picture of all these men "walking me out" and we ALL fall heheheh. That is actually what I said to Gary...thanks, but what happens when you end up on top of me? And Charlene snorted in her office and yelled out "I'll pay you". But I had already made my game plan...to walk under the eaves where there was no ice, and cut across to the car. Even when help is offered, I refuse. Just so I don't have to be grateful. But it's years of conditioning so as not to be disappointed. Don't become like me.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you sorry? Because he was a shitbag or because you called him one? Heck, I say if it looks like it, smells like it, and acts like it, it must be one! LOL!
ReplyDeleteTheres so much more your going to learn, we've lived that life so long that we dont realize or dont remember that there are gentleman out there that really care. Took me along time to accept help, especially from a male, I always thought there might have to be a ' pay back'...it's nice is'nt it?
ReplyDeleteThere usually IS a payback expected with most guys. I've found they don't offer to help (here anyway in NY) unless there's something in it for them. So when you do run into a gentleman, it's hard to tell and appreciate it. Karen is right, we've been with jerks for so long...you get used to it.
ReplyDeleteFunny, with him, I try to pay back (not that way!) and he doesn't expect me to. I'm not used to that either!
ReplyDeleteYep. They are out there. My Dad was like that. He just did things, and never even expected a thank you.
ReplyDeleteWell there aren't enough of them out there!
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