If you remember back to the first part of December, my friend Scott and I had a discussion about our relationship. We decided it should just be a friendship. I really don't need to date until my divorce is final- don't know why I feel this way, but there seems to be something about closing that door before opening another. He is also at a crossroads in his life- getting ready to go back to college at age 37. So we are having a great time becoming friends.
All of a sudden, I feel like I'm getting funny signals. Maybe it is just me, but tell me what you think. Last Sunday, he took me out for lunch after church AND paid- usually we go dutch. Savannah wasn't with us this time, and we sat in the restaurant until 3pm just talking. Then at church on Sunday night, I decided to hang back and see what he'd do- he saw Savannah, asked "where's your mom?" and when she pointed over to me he came right over and stayed with me the rest of the night.
Monday he text messaged me a few times- nothing unusual. Tuesday, I don't think we talked at all, maybe a text message or two, and Wednesday only talked about 5 minutes after choir practice. Then today, he called me to ask when Savannah's basketball game was. He wanted to come. She played at 6:15 and his church league team played at 6:30. He called a friend to see if they really needed him, and they did. So we decided that I'd bring her to watch him after her game was over. Which turned out to be strange, since there weren't too many spectators- mostly families of the guys playing. He seemed really happy that we were there and talked for about 15 minutes after the game. He made plans to do something with us on Saturday.
I guess it just hit me that we're getting closer than two "friends" would be. I would like to see this relationship continue to grow. I just really don't want to screw it up by either being too anxious or too stand-off-ish. He treats my daughter better than her own father does and genuinely seems interested in how my day has been.
As long as you can be honest with each other there is nothing wrong with being involved and interested and supportive in each other's lives.
ReplyDeleteI know how much a child enjoys having someone interested in their life and activities when there is an absent father. My daughter is lucky to have a few good people in her life to take interest in her life and she will be better off for it. I have had a few male friends (just friends) that make sure they take time to recognize her and what she is doing and that makes her feel great! I also know that kids can be devastated when things don't work out (my daughter was miserable when I broke off my engagement). It was a good life lesson for both of us really. So you have to be honest with Savannah too.
Besides the best relationships are the ones where you are best of friends first and you can't be best of friends if you aren't involved in each other's lives. As best friends, will there be times you can't stand each other or argue or whatever, yes...as with any relationship. Does being friends mean it will work out eventually? no not necessarily....
You also can't worry about the other person, some people just do things that you will never understand no matter how well you know them.
WALK don't run and take it as it comes. Welcome the friendship and the fun and everything else will fall where it is supposed to be providing you both follow where God is leading you!
*hugs*
You have a good head and you know what is comfortable and what is not. Go with that.
He's interested in you for sure. However, he understands that right now it's just friends. I would just let things happen. Go slow, take deep breaths and have a good time.
ReplyDeleteRemember everyone is in your life for a reason. Enjoy the time you spend with him. (I know you already do) Just try not to get to freaked out by it and go with the flow.
Huggles,
Jamie
Take it slow,keep it in your head your just friends,dont do anything until your divorced, and ask God to let you know if this is the one.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you've got yourself a pretty good friend right now. I ended up marrying my best friend. It took a few years but we got around to getting married. lol! Just let things happen and don't try to rush. That's hard to do, been there.
ReplyDeleteAs for your daughter, well, let her know that you're friends but I'd wait until she started asking questions.
Definitely ask God. He'll give you the right answer every time.
The "stayed with me the rest of the night" made me pause...you meant at church? (you know me, gutter mind). I'd say he's definately trying to get to know you the best way you'll let him right now -- as friends. He seems like a smart dude, not blowing up your cellphone or calling you too much. That either means he's genuinely balanced and is busy too, but likes to check in on you, or he's a calculating bastard and is playing his cards smart (see? truly a jaded woman<<---)
ReplyDeleteAll in all it sounds like a nice arrangement, but I think you're pretty worried about your situation and don't feel right yet. Just remember it's only what YOU say it is. If it's "friends" now, then that's it! He seems content to let that be the case. Maybe what's changing is you're starting to melt a little inside towards him and don't feel ready yet. But you really can't control that. A friend of mine said to me once "you can't help who you love" and you really can't. It just happens. No matter what you call it...it's still there.You don't have to let on tho! Not till you feel ok inside about it.
I like that he's easing you into this. Which means he's thinking about you and your feelings and morals as well as what his perverted male-dominated mind really wants to do. And!! You're not saying no. That's good too. When is the divorce final? That's when you'll know if he's just been waiting patiently (also a good thing) when a balls-driven male can think beyond his who-ha's. I'd like to see a picture of him. Hugs xoxox.
I think Hifly said it well too.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew! I called the lawyer yesterday to ask that very thing! (Of course the STBX is stalling- doesn't want to pay up!) I think you're right, Kat- I know I'm melting a little, but it feels like there is this big wall that I can't move- and it is the divorce. So I'll take that he is interested and is willing to go at my pace!
ReplyDeleteCan you tell I'm not used to this? Someone considering my feelings in it all!
Thanks guys- Tricia, I appreciate all that you said. Savannah is well in tune with the situation. I know she wants it to be more, but she is the first to say "they're just friends" if anyone asks if we're dating.
Still, I think it's pretty cool that you've got a guy and that he's willing to be friends first. Seems like people always complain that it never happens that way, ya know?
ReplyDeleteThat's true- I didn't think about it that way. I'll take a good friend over a bad boyfriend any day!
ReplyDeleteGood friends are much better than bad boyfriends!
ReplyDeleteAmen to that one!
ReplyDeleteditto and amen!!
ReplyDeleteGlad Savannah knows and is comfortable talking to you about it and telling people you are friends.
ReplyDeleteGlad God has let someone in your life to be your friend, honestly there are some that can't separate the two (friends and dating) and that is unfortunate. I am absolutely amazed looking back the people that have been brought into my life at the exact right moment and for the exact right reason....too bad it takes looking back to see that!
wow, you got that one right hifly...but that's how it's supposed to work. Which brings that poem to mind that people send in emails so often -- the one about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I wish someone had told me that things aren't always fair, don't always work out, and justice prevails when I was little. It would have made it harder for me to become the jaded biotch I have become by believing things blindly. Trust is so fragile.
ReplyDeleteSavannah sounds like she's a pretty in-tune kid. It has to be because you talk to her and explain things so she can deal with what's out there. I like that.
Thanks guys. The last thing I want is to see her hurt. She's probably too close to him now, but if I can keep her expectations down, then she'll just be pleased when something rises higher than them, instead of disappointed when it falls short.
ReplyDeleteYes but don't let something pass you by to try and protect her, because as much as it hurts us to see our children in pain, it very well may be something that she will learn a great deal from if it is disappointing!
ReplyDeleteI almost went through with my wedding because of my daughter and I am sooo glad I didn't, yes, it was hard for her for awhile which broke my heart but she also got a lesson on making decisions that are for your own well being and I think she will be better off having experienced that pain, again...took me a few years to allow myself to believe that! AND it would have been much harder later, than breaking things when I did.
I have faith that you are making good decisions and will do what God is leading you to do.
That is true...I don't think "for the kids" is a good reason to do something that is really about you. I am thinking of my own situation--- if I had stayed with my ex "for the kids" what kind of life would I have had? And then, theirs would have been with a very unhappy miserable mother who would have taken it out on them in ways I wouldn't have even known. My mother was like that with us, and it is NO way to grow up. My choices for me were so that they would have a better life too. I don't mean money because my choices meant we had way less....but the overall thing of being "ok" even with one happy parent was better.
ReplyDeleteAny experience your kids have with you isn't going to be bad.
That is very true. Maybe I use her as an excuse for taking it slow. However it is, it will be what it is going to be. I just need to relax and enjoy the ride!
ReplyDeletelol good graphic!!
ReplyDeleteYou aren't using her as an excuse, she is part of how you handle the situation and she should be, she just isn't the "deciding" factor should we say. AND there is nothing wrong with slow, I think that is alot of the problem with people online dating and such these days, they are ready to get married or throw someone to the curb after the third date or so.....what happened with getting to know someone and taking it slow and as you say enjoying the ride??
I think you are on the ride road and doing what you are supposed to. Try not to overthink too much!!
I'm enjoying the ride- thanks guys. We spent a couple of hours together today and I'm determined to like things as they are and not worry about the future. This is too nice a friendship to even want it to change!
ReplyDelete