I limited the number of people seeing this to the ones I know are Christians on my list. Basically because I have a question and need an answer from the Christian perspective.
I think you all are well versed in my life and the divorce which is all but final. I have continued to pray that my ex would come to know the Lord. I've not really been happy that I've prayed for him, but it is the right thing to do- it is what is missing from his life, and I know he'd be a happier person and a better father were he to find Jesus.
So here's my problem. All week he has been nice. Of course, because he and his live-in girlfriend are having problems, he is trying to be all nice to me. He even asked if I was sure I wanted the divorce. I am so over him, and have made it very clear that I do not want him back, no longer love him, and do not want him in my life. So he's trying a different tactic. He called Savannah today and told her he wanted to go to church tomorrow, but he didn't know where to go. She suggested a church closer to him where some of her friends go. He said, "well, I don't know anyone there, can I come with you?" She was taken aback - this is the man who went to church with us about 3 times in 13 years- but she said ok.
Now, this is what I prayed for (kinda) but I'm not happy about it. I am glad that he is making an effort with her as long as he will keep it up- remember, he hasn't seen the kids since Thanksgiving. I have the feeling, knowing him as well as I do, that it is a ploy to try to get back in my good graces. He'll try to wrangle a dinner invitation- which Scott is already coming to my mother's house with us for dinner- and I know she wouldn't let him in the door.
I suppose my questions are what do I say to him if he does come to church, and how to I make it clear that he is welcome to a relationship with his children but not with me? How do I reconcile that this is what I prayed for for him, when it is not happening the way I want? (I know God does things His own way, too, and maybe this is His way of reaching the ex.)
This makes me think of stealing a Gideon's Bible from a hotel room. According to the Gideons, you can't steal it. The reason it's there is for you to take it, and they'll gladly replace it with another. Meanwhile, they figure, the guy who "stole" it is the one who needs it most.
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right that he has ulterior motives in coming to church - your church in particular. But while he's scheming, who knows, something good may happen. Like the bible in the hotel room, it's the reason the church is there, right? And who needs it more than him?
Make it clear to him where you've drawn the lines, and he is not to cross them. Then let God work on him in His way, while you stay out of the way.
Oh, well, maybe you don't want my opinion on this. I'm bitter, for certain reasons I'll leave unmentioned here. That first bit, "he's having problems with his girlfriend" makes me think that, well, you're the stand by. If something goes wrong with her, I can always go back to Dish. *sigh* That's just so depressing, m'lady. No, let me rephrase that. I'm so depressing. I'll pray that he's not got any ulterior motives. How's that? I just don't want to see you with your heart broken again.
ReplyDeleteOh, my heart is not getting broken again. He will NOT be allowed to come back. I know there are ulterior motives, that's why I'm having trouble with him wanting to come to church tomorrow- to a church where he never wanted to go when we were married.
ReplyDeleteWe all know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I really don't know what to think of this.
ReplyDeleteYou? I don't know either. Dave is right, though- I'm going to have to make it crystal clear that the lines are drawn and he will not be allowed across.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely keep your lines drawn. I am glad you are praying for him and you need to continue to pray for him, after all like it or not he is your child's father. Yes he should have a relationship with his children and in turn he will have to have a "relationship" with you, there is no getting around that. The more civil it can be the better...I wish mine was!!
ReplyDeleteSince you already know there are motives there, that is a good thing. Keep that in perspective. Going to your church may give him the kick in the pants he needs to see that you are perfectly fine on your own and have no need for his sorry ways and won't be crawling back to him or waiting in the wings when he is in between women.
There is absolutely no need for him to get a dinner invitation, first it isn't your place to invite someone to your mother's house (although I am sure she accepts anyone you would invite) and second like you said, the relationship is with the kids, not with you and your family...he chose not to be a part of the deal when he left.
The only other thing I would say to be aware of is, Is he doing this for court purposes? Meaning, is he calling asking to see your daughter to try and trip you up and have you refuse so he can go back to court and say that you are unwilling to cooperate in him seeing his daughter (especially on holidays)....just keep that in mind as you move forward too.
I will continue to pray for you and the situation.
Well, he didn't show for church, but he did kinda interrupt Easter lunch. I felt bad for the kids- they told him to come later and he came earlier. Scott was there so it was a little awkward for both of them. But is was good- I told him I am glad he is trying to have a relationship with his kids. Just don't try to have one with me because I'm done. No, it isn't because of Scott, but it is because I could never go back to the way he treated me seeing the way I should be treated. I did say I hope we could be friends for the kids' sake, and he is welcome to come to church whenever he wants, just don't do it to try to get me back. Do it for him, and do it for the kids.
ReplyDeleteSo, all in all, it was a good day. Stressful, but good.
There is no easy answer. Your children would certainly benefit from having their father accepting Christ and walking with him daily. Reconciliation seems out of the question. It is a tight wire you have to walk. Don't back down from what you feel is right. I am reminded of the convict that gets religion before he goes to the death chamber. He still has to pay for his crimes and sins, but has heaven as his eternal destination.
ReplyDeleteI have prayed that he will accept Christ and walk with Him- that is the big thing missing from his life. But he has to do it for himself and not for anyone else. I'm strong and can walk that tight wire. The kids and their needs are #1 with me, and they need him. I can be friendly as long as he understands that is where it ends.
ReplyDeleteGlad it was a good day!! It is sooo much better for the kids if you can be cordial to each other (not even necessarily friendly/s)
ReplyDeleteKeep praying and keep walking that path with God and He will take care of things! *hugs*
I have a male coworker that became a Christian after he and his wife divorced. The change was remarkable. He paid back child support and increased it to an amount greater than what the court ordered. He now has it direct deposit to her account.
ReplyDelete