Those of you who are my friends on Facebook will probably know that my step-father died on Friday night after a 20 year battle with cancer. He married my mom 13 years ago, a couple of years after his first wife died. He treated my mom like she was a princess! He was an amazing husband and to watch his declining health saddened the whole family.
He spent the last month at a Hospice facility where he charmed all the nurses. He was one of those people who left a mark everywhere he went, but he left an imprint on my life that I will not soon forget, since I had the privilege of watching him take his last breath.
I have never seen someone die. I really didn't know what to expect, and honestly didn't expect to be there. Mom called me at lunch on Friday and said that they didn't think he'd live through the night. I asked her if she wanted me to leave work and come be with her, but she told me to stay, that his daughter was coming over and so was my brother. So I told her I'd see her after work.
I called on my way over and asked if she'd like supper. She wasn't really hungry but wanted some comfort food, so I stopped and picked her up something. I arrived about 5pm to find her doting on him as usual. His breathing was shallow but he was alert and following you with his eyes. He looked pitifully wasted away and had a very gray pallor.
Mom and I settled in beside him to eat our food and went through the preparations of finding plastic ware, salt, drinks, and such. Right before she started to eat, she stood up and asked him if he had another kiss for her. His little lips puckered with all the strength left in them. It may not have been a textbook definition of a kiss, but his intent was clear. She told him she loved him and turned her attention to her food. I think we both had taken two or three bites when we realized that we hadn't heard that next breath. Time of death- 5:20pm.
It was that easy. He was breathing softly and then just never took another breath. There was no fanfare- no other movement of his body. Just a soft slipping away to somewhere much more peaceful. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever experienced. I'm so glad that mom got her "goodbye kiss" as she is calling it. And I am pleased that he died peacefully and easily.
Thanks for all the well wishes. If you can, just pray for healing and comfort for my mom in the days ahead. She will have to find her "normal" again without him and will be lost without her friend and confidant. The rest of us will miss his humor, wit, and love.
I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI am sad with you and also happy that you have so much to celebrate about him.
ReplyDeleteDid you get close enough to hear the breath leave? I have witnessed that twice and the peace of that moment is something I will always remember like it just happened.
Thanks Ken.
ReplyDeleteSteve, he did have one more little exhale about a minute after we realized he didn't take that next breath. It was very peaceful and very... sweet has been the only word I can think of. Peaceful. Calm. Just a slipping from this life to the next one. It makes me not afraid at all to die.
I have never watched anybody die Jan. I am sorry that you lost your stepdad. He is at rest now and will have no more suffering. Thanks for sharing this with us Jan. You wrote it so well. Hugs from Dai
ReplyDeleteYou know you and your mom are in our thoughts and prayers, Janeen. What a wonderful man for you mother. It may be hard for a while for everyone, especially her, but I have faith that they will meet again in Heaven, and that brings a special peace. Lord Bless him, and may he rest in peace.
ReplyDeletePrayers for your mom and family
ReplyDeleteWatching someone suffer . . . Watching a once strong and vibrant individual slip into frailty and oblivion brings us face to face with our mortality, and causes us to understand that death, though desperately avoided, is sometimes a gift of mercy. I believe we live on - it's just another passage.
ReplyDeleteJaneen, I'm sorry for you loss...and that of your mother's. I'll certainly pray for both of you.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs my friend. It's never easy watching someone decline. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an almost perfect death, if that's the right way to put it. I'm glad you were both there Janeen, and can find peace from a beautiful moment. My best wishes to your mother.
ReplyDeleteThat is a really moving recounting of what happened, Janeen. I'm so glad he was surrounded by so much love when he passed. If he had to go so soon, I think the way it happened was a blessing. But I'm so, so sorry for your and your family's loss.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss, sweetie. Thank you so much for sharing this touching story with us. It's so good that you two could be there with him, and that your Mom got her "last kiss"; that's so sweet! I will be happy to send prayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeletePS. Some of the work I do is called psychopomp work. I will sit with a person, and hopefully, their family and friends, while they go through their transition process of leaving this world and going into the next. Depending on what their religion/belief system is, I'll do prayers and/or chants, and if they ask I'll do some Reiki on them to help with pain management, or just talk to them and be there with them. Sometimes people just want a peaceful presence with them without a lot of talking, and sometimes they are waiting to hear from a certain someone, to make their peace with them, or they just want to talk about their lives, sort of a review. I used to volunteer at an AIDS research hospital in Denver, Colorado, plus also 5 other hospitals in that area. I feel that I was also able to help with both of my parents, and I know they are in a more peaceful place and free from the suffering they went through in this lifetime. The flip side of this work is that I was also trained as a lay-midwife, by the W.H.O. , and have attended/assisted at many births as well.
Want to hear a joke? (I realize this may be totally inappropriate, but even in the midst of sadness, maybe a little humor is not so out of place.)
So this little boy is in his room playing on the floor next to his bed, when all of a sudden he gets up and runs to the kitchen yelling, "Mommy, Mommy!" She asks him what the matter is and he says, "Mommy, is it true what the priest says, that we all are born from dust and when we die we turn back into dust?" And she says, "Well basically, yes...why?" So he says, "Well then you better come look under my bed, 'cause there's someone under there either coming or going!"
Blessings ~
Sorry to hear that, Dishy. (hugs).
ReplyDeletewill keep your mom and your family in my prayers, am glad it was a 'sweet' death for him, a perfect passing.... hugs....
ReplyDeleteI am sorry, Janeen.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughts, hugs, and prayers. And a joke! We've done a lot of laughing over the past couple of days, too. He was Scottish, witty, and with his accent always sounded very properly British. He said a few zingers over his last days!
ReplyDeleteI very much believe that you leave this life for an even better one. This weekend, I have thought a lot about my own life and not only how it will end one day, but what I want people to say about me after I'm gone. I figure I'd better lay the groundwork for that now!
My younger sister and 3 of my cousins and my son have been discussing this a lot lately. My cousin's husband (another good guy) passed over in July this year, so that kind of triggered several discussions, although another one of my cousins refuses to talk about it at all. I haven't a clue what people will say about me, lol, however this is my feeling (and I have had it posted on my main page since I started in Multiply), is this: "Life's Journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, ...Holy ****... What a ride! "
ReplyDeleteJust curious, but how did your Mom and Step-Dad meet?
Sorry to hear that his journey came to an end. Glad that he had a good life with you and your mom, sounds like he was a wonderful guy.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry for your loss and for your family's loss.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that you have some wonderful memories.
ReplyDeleteHold on to them!
I'm sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was quite a man, I hope I have people remember me like this.
ReplyDeleteBlue, I looked at him after he died, at his small, crumpled, well-used body, and thought "He squeezed every ounce of life he could out of that body." I'd love to know I did that at my death.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was teaching a Sunday school class that my (now) step-sister attended. Her mother had died about a year before and she was worried that her dad was just sitting at home alone. He didn't get out and do things and she was afraid he'd quietly waste away. She told him that he needed to come meet her Sunday school teacher! The rest is history!
I'm so sorry, Janeen. But what a wonderful and peaceful way to go.
ReplyDeleteIt brought back memories from my mom's death. It was just as peaceful and calm ... only she had been unconscious for days. She just slipped quietly away ...
I hope and pray your mom will eventually find her new "normal" again. It will take some time though, as I've seen with my dad.
I know- I remember how it was after my daddy died- it took her about a year and a half to "live" again- she just "existed" - doing what had to be done. I knew when she wanted to paint the living room that she was going to be fine.
ReplyDeleteCool story; thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete"normal" never really does come back...but life does go on....all of my condolences and empathy...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear this. I missed this post and well you know I don't get to Facebook very often. *Hugs*
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