I kicked two teenagers out of the house on Sunday. We had a big blowup last week that has been building for awhile. They are married, living in the basement- no jobs- are 18 and 19- and one quit high school. They pretty much refused to clean up after themselves- and any time they did they acted like they were doing me a favor. I let them stay here free, eat out of my fridge, use my laundry detergent, washer and dryer, water, power, food... basically I supported them.
Friday, they made a huge mess in the front yard cleaning out their car. I asked them to pick up their things three times. The third time, Chris snipped at me that it WAS cleaned up. So I went out and threw everything all away. I figured if they had "cleaned it up" the rest was trash. He got mad and was cussing me and yelling, told me he was going to throw all my things away, that I didn't know what he did for me, that he was tired of slaving all day for me. So I told him to get out. If he can't respect me and appreciate all I was doing for them, and all they had been given, then they could figure out how to support themselves.
I don't know where they are, except she came by yesterday to get some more of their things and was very sheepish and apologetic. I did let her know that they could no longer live here, but they were welcome to visit and would still be included in family events. I said that I thought it would be good for them to establish a life on their own.
I'm really at peace with this decision. Brandon and Savannah have already been happier and less stressed, so I do know that was a good decision. I worry about them, because I don't know where they are or how they're going to support themselves. (He gets $155 a month from the National Guard.) I also know that I'm going to have to let them fall in order to learn that everything will not always be given to them.
Scott helped, because he pointed out that they were not obeying the 5th commandment- honor your father and mother. He also pointed out that the children of Israel had to wander around in the wilderness for 20 extra years because they didn't obey. Moses didn't even get to make it to the promised land because of his disobedience. So being tough on your children is sometimes the right thing to do! Hard, but right.
I know that had to be hard to do, Janeen, but for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. Life will be a lot easier for them later on, if they learn NOW that they can't always count on having someone else to take care of them.
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing....when they grow up, they will see it as well.
ReplyDeleteI think they'll thank you for it.
ReplyDeleteYes, you did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteLove hurts. I believe you did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteJamie needs to see this....when I get done here I am going to direct her over to your page. She's having similar problems but on a grander scale!
ReplyDeleteYou did do the right thing. I don't know if I could have, but I think I probably would have wanted to as well. When there is "the girl" involved, and they're playing grown-up...that seems to change my tolerance point. Up till then I seem to be a pushover.
I don't remember anyone doing this for us growing up...made your bed, and lie in it. So you did good Janeen. xox
Yup. You did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this has been building. You did do the right thing. It will be difficult, there will probably be some pretty raw feelings for awhile.
ReplyDeleteA little help during rough times is different than footing the bill and not doing anything....they are young, but hopefully this will be the eye opener to begin to transition to taking care of themselves.
Im very sorry that this problem has been building up so much and came to a head over something so trivial as cleaning up after themselves. There will be some ill feelings for awhile, but in the long run they both will see this as an opportunity to better themselves. Tough love always hurts the parent more than the child doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! Yes Bill, it hurts the parent more- or maybe I just know how I feel and I don't know how they feel. I thought about Jamie when I posted this- I hope she is figuring out how to handle her situation, too. I am so giving, and so forgiving, that even though I know this is the right thing (and they will thank me one day- you're right ZB) I'm afraid I'll cave in and let them come back. I'm trying to take a couple of steps so that won't happen- like letting Brandon have the basement. I know this is the best thing for them and probably the only way they'll ever learn to take care of themselves. Thanks for affirming what I thought was the right thing!
ReplyDeleteJaneen, I have just read your blog and can well understand how you must be feeling right now. I had to do something similar twice in my life. It was very painful but I know I did the right thing. So sorry this happened. Young people can be so thoughtless when they have so much to lose. I just came back from Nepal where kids mostly grow up realising how much they have which is actually very little compared to western kids. And they hang on to what they have. Sometimes western kids have far, far too much and take it all for granted. Well anyway Janeen, I hope it will have a happy ending. These situations usually resolve themselves.
ReplyDeleteI've had this problem on a different level with teenagers who came into my home. It takes them a while to grow up and comprehend what they are doing ... and it seems like they often do not appreciate the sacrifices others make ... I find that my household runs much smoother when I don't play house mother ... I find that my kids respond better when it's just me and them ... I think what you did was necessary and they will still love you when all is said and done.
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