James and I had an interesting conversation today. You know that I am trying to take my marriage vows seriously, especially the "for better or for worse" one. (And this is definately the WORSE part.) I am not ready to give up this marriage, but I do think we have some serious work to do if it is ever going to work.
He has been very depressed lately. You know that he is the one who wanted out- not permanently, but just wanted some breathing room. Since then he has disengaged from a lot of things around him. Hasn't really seen his kids too much- missed a lot of visits, ballgames, etc. Hasn't seen me much either. He did get it right away that I was not going to "take care" of him!!
Anyway, to today's conversation. He is miserable. Told me he didn't understand why I didn't just cut him out completely. He feels like a failure as a husband and a father. He isn't happy (Duh- this was supposed to make him happy!) Anyway, I told him I am happy. I would be happy with him here, I would be happy with him gone, I would be happy rich or happy poor. Happy has nothing to do with where you are, who you are with, or how much money you have. Happy is a state of mind. And I have decided to be happy.
He didn't understand at first. Until I explained that there are miserable rich people. There are miserable married people. There are miserable poor people, and miserable divorced people. Happy isn't having things or not, it is loving people, loving God, loving life! Getting in and getting dirty helping someone else. Realizing that Jesus died for us- us miserable people! And we aren't worthy of one drop of His blood- but He loves us that much anyway! That's why I am happy!! (And that's also why he isn't!)
Pray for him, for us and for the kids- we have a long way to go, and I'm afraid that it is a distance I can't cover for him. It is mostly on his shoulders to decide to be happy, decide where he wants to be, and what kind of a person he wants to be. And whatever he decides, I'll be sad or mad or glad, but I'll still be happy!!
On another note, Jewel's son had his leg amputated above the knee. I know she feels horrible that this had to be done, but the doctors are convinced that he will recover and lead a fairly normal life. I pray that she is strong enough to get him through the therapy, the inevidable depression, the long road ahead. And someday, I hope she realizes that in all this, she can be happy, too. Pray for her, for Josh, for the 17 year old that hit them, that they all find their way back to happiness. Pray for Ginger's family, too- that the kids and Rem can get to the point of happiness again- even with dark blankets of sadness surrounding them. To hear that the oldest son went straight to his pastor after leaving the hospital gives me hope for them and for the rest of us, too. Prayer works- prayer is powerful, and can heal the widest wounds.
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