Ok, so since I haven't had a date in 18 years, I haven't much to compare it to. We met at this lovely Asian restaurant I like and had a nice meal and good conversation. Then we went to the bookstore and looked at books and sat in the coffee shop.
We talked a lot about religion, our failed marriages, and our family. He's really a nice guy and I think I could enjoy being friends with him. But there's just something missing. I think, in our talks, I can identify with his ex wife. I think from what he says, she is a lot like I am. Which is probably his attraction to me.
The thing is, I think he would probably be smothering. He really wants someone to take care of, and I don't need to be taken care of that much (oh yeah, a little is nice!) He wanted me to call when I got home so he'd know I got home safe. And he was talking about drinking (which he doesn't and I do very little) but he would want me to only drink around him so he'd know I was safe. Just feels weird to me somehow.
Is it too soon to know? Or is it easier to just say I don't want to go out again now? Help- I haven't done this in way too long!
Y'know, I'd say trust your first instincts. If you have little alarm bells going off already, it's probably not going to get better. If they're not things you think you could live with, I personally think it's better not to try to force the issue at all. But that's just my opinion, of course. You need to do what's right for you. :) I'm glad it wasn't terrible, though!
ReplyDeleteI'm here to tell you that your instincts are talking to you! Don't date him again.
ReplyDeleteI have a different view Janeen. Love can and does grow sometimes. I would do what your heart tells you to do and if you feel like it, give it time and see what time does for you both.
ReplyDeleteYep, he definitely sounds like the possessive smothering type. Tell him you just want to be friends and if he act too possessive/jealous/smothering as a friend then dump him. On second thought, maybe you should dump him now before he develops feeling for you. And then again, I've never been good at relationships so just don't pay any attention to me. lol I'll support you in whatever decision you make, just want to see you happy.
ReplyDeleteYou would know right away if there is any chemistry. You can already tell he's not for you. So I would just leave it as is.
ReplyDeleteI am married to him. You already know what to do. He's a controller.
ReplyDeleteWell you know after thinking about it..he wants you to drink only when hes there...I mean he just met you. Hello? (not meant towards you lol) He kinds of sounds a bit possessive. Give it some time to date as a friend. Nothing says it has to be more! And thats what you tell yourself. Friends. The 1st date...can be one of many with **time**. No hurrys. You would never want to get smothered. What is said about him by your friends...his reputation and all? Investigate maybe. Oh man gut feelings from experience I can tell you God gave them to us as *warning signs*!! If its an apple its an apple. Its not a grape!
ReplyDeleteIf your having "red flags" flying after the first date, then I would trust your instincts. You said it yourself that "just something is missing." Chemistry comes almost immediately, then that will feed your attraction to the guy. If its missing after meeting then it probably will never develop.
ReplyDeleteHow did you feel when he asked you to call him to see if you got home safe? I had a lady do this to me one time, but it was because I had to travel 40 miles away and she only had 10...I thought it was rather sweet of her to ask that.
Now when you were talking about drinking, he states that he would want you to only drink around him? This raises a huge smothering type of "red flag" in my book.
The main thing to ask yourself is "are you comfortable around him?"
I think that him already talking like you are together is pure creepiness. And the drinking thing...start running now.
ReplyDeleteYes I so agree! They JUST met!!
ReplyDeleteAnd why does he think she wants to drink???
Well, if any guy would say to me, "I would want you to..." whatever, I'd think -- excuse you? This isn't a business proposition. You don't show up and tell me what our relationship would be like as if it just began.
ReplyDeleteI think dates end two ways...one, you are so excited afterwards that you don't want the date to end, you think about him so you can't sleep, and you wonder where he has been your whole life, and you warn yourself to slow down. The other ending? You wonder if you're going to like him. And that answer is...um...NO. LOL
I fully agree with this...
ReplyDeleteOh, I also wouldn't recommend dating as friends. From what I've been told, guys never, ever, EVER date as friends. They are just buying time until you love them, or they get nookie. I've yet to hear of a man who is ok with dating with the potential end result being "just friends."
ReplyDeleteI don't buy into this at all. I had a lady friend once that all we did was go to the movies together. All it was was friendship. She went on and met a very nice guy and I went on and met Pat...so yes, men sometimes just date as friends.
ReplyDeleteThat's totally it Sandy- I'm not on that giddy high. I'm not counting the minutes until I see him again. That's the answer, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteAnd Bill, I now what you mean, too. That's my relationship with Scott. We go out to eat, to the movies, on trips, but strictly platonic. We're just amazing friends!
Oh, I think guys and girls can do date things and be friends, totally. But I wasn't referring to that type of relationship.
ReplyDeleteI hear all the alarm bells everyone else has mentioned Janeen... I'd quit now before you find out in a serious way that he's a creep.
ReplyDeleteI know quite a few of my friends that have "dinner and a movie" buddies that they chum around with.
ReplyDeleteDid you check his wallet for a condom?
ReplyDeleteI have several of my own! I mean guy friends that I pal with.
ReplyDeleteI am really glad to read this blogs Didi, Well, seems like there is both part Didi and it's really good to know the new people and something is strange too hehehe... with the person...
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm late, but I agree with most of what is already said ... I wouldn't go on with him.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds way too possesive and too sure of himself. He already tells you what to do ... after your first date! No way!!
Now I have alarm bells going off in MY head. :/
ReplyDeleteInstinct is usually correct on the first impression.
ReplyDeletetalking about the past, failures and "old flames", relationships/marriages, can put the worst spin on any first date. All you guys needed was "politics" in the mix to assure a totally bad encounter. Future orientation, hopes, dreams, etc. may be the way to go next time. At least the ice is broken...
ReplyDeletei wouldnt throw in the towel yet based on one date ! i mean in regards to dating. if there are no sparks, there are no sparks, nothing wrong with that. and keep him as a friend if you like, that may develop or maybe not. leave your options open. there's a world of people out there.
ReplyDeleteIf there was enough chemistry between you two you wouldnt be asking these questions you would be getting ready to go out again. I think theres red flags here and you know it. While no one is ever gonna be perfect, someone close enough to what you seek will hold and keep your interest. Honestly this sounds like your trying to do that and you shouldn't have to TRY. Id say pass on this one. After all if you havent dated in all these yrs.....you need practice anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd shes spot on. Thats not something you say to someone you just had a date with. This is a man whos going to try to control more and more and more as time goes by. Besides thats a very weird thing to say dont you think?
ReplyDeleteYou're all right! Thanks for telling me what I really already knew. You're right, I don't want to have to work at it. I'd rather not waste the energy and just let it go. Thanks Sea, for reminding me about the big wide ocean out there!
ReplyDeleteYea practice at saying NO lol
ReplyDeleteTry again, if same feeling come up, then ride on out .
ReplyDeleteor go with your gut feeling, lol. how is that for a politician.
ReplyDeleteLove can take time, its not always an instant thing. It wasnt with my bf and I. I liked him alot tho.....liked his company and thats important. Im not feeling that here tho. You dont have to say I love this person right away. .....so dont even try to. And being friends is ok too but hard to maintain if they want more. But reading this........honestly I dont hear you saying anything exciting enough to even want to make another date. Dont go out just because you dont want to stay home. And always always pay attention to the red flags....people liked Ted Bundy too.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds creepy. Say bye, bye. He could even become possesive of a freindship.
ReplyDeleteI really suck at that... I need some practice!
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking he could, Mamoose.
ReplyDeleteIt hit me today- I felt like I was on an interview for the position of wife! Yikes! I don't know if I even want to get married again, much less go on a first date wondering if this is the person I'd marry! Egad!
Thank goodness you're not in any kind of frame of mind where you feel like you HAVE to have a man in your life, Janeen. I'm glad you're so strong and independent. :) I think that just means that if you ever DO find someone you want to be with again, it oughta be really great!
ReplyDeleteNo, I'd sure not have any man as to have the wrong one.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to agree.
ReplyDeleteYou're already aware of "missing something", and he's already shown his hand as a controller, (in the bit about only drinking when you're with him). What the heck is that about? (see previous sentence) Trust your instincts, and not the "logical" part of your brain that has to figure things out. Sometimes you're picking up on very subtle messages that aren't clearly obvious, at first. Trust your instincts. If you are already having doubts after the first date....RUN!
Girls/women have this "thing" sometimes, about letting a guy down "easy". But the reality is, it's more cruel to do that, than to be really clear and upfront (not mean), and tell them that they're not what you're looking for, or that you just didn't feel a connection with them. And then never call them after that, and don't take their calls. I would wait and see if he calls you back, and then tell him over the phone, and don't let him put you into the defensive position of having to explain ANYTHING. Just say, "I'm really not interested, but thanks anyway", and leave it at that. If he starts an argument with you, HANG UP. If he doesn't stop calling you, inform the police about being harassed. Document every thing he says, every phone call, if he won't leave you alone. (not saying this will happen, it's just that there ARE a few creeps out there.)
It's (usually) true, the ONLY guys who want to be "just friends" are GAY, girlfriend....so what's up with this "dating to be friends" category? If this guy suggested it, he has an ulterior motive. If you suggested it, you might be trying to "let him down easy". Don't. Not gonna fly! (not that there's anything wrong with having guy friends, and I do, but we don't "date". And those guys are people you already know from work, or through other friends or something, not someone you just met for a date). (sorry, do I sound like a Mom? Well, I am, lol) ~ Take care, and keep on fishing; there's more nice guys out there!
Chalk it up to life experience, and move on. You don't want things between you guys to get even weirder, and, trust me, I've met a few weirdos....and I'm not talking about the nice kind either ~
Just say Soooooorrrrrrryyyyyyy!
ReplyDeleteSorry but I cant do this...say that!!
Want me to come down, and take his liver out?
ReplyDeleteLOL Scott... I think I have it handled. But thanks, I'll let you know if I need you!
ReplyDeleteFirst things first. This dude isn't 'nice' he is controlling. He has already started trying to do this with you by telling you to only drink around him, so he would know your safe (um.. last I looked. you were an adult and didn't need to be 'supervised'), just the few things you have said about him have all MY warning bells ringing.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you can do is drop this dude like a hot potato and never see him again. He is already (first date) showing signs of a controlling personality, and if they are showing NOW... if you get involved with him, I can guarantee they will be much much worse later.
Guys like that are why I carry a baseball bat in my car normally (sadly, here in Hawaii, I have yet to buy me a Louisville slugger).
See, Momma, we're all looking out for you and watching your back, lol ~ too bad we're not over there in your town (well I really don't want to move), we'd be your "posse", your back-up, your paladins, lol ~
ReplyDeleteTake care sweetie ~
I know you all are- and I love you guys! He's history- and I've learned one more thing about the kind of person I want. NOT a controller!
ReplyDelete