Many of you know the trials I've had with my oldest stepson:
-wanted to quit High School in January before graduation in May (he did get his diploma from the community college, though)
-got married at 19 to a girl he'd known 6 months
- fixed up my basement so they'd haver a place to live, but they didn't respect or appreciate that
- they lived with her parents until her dad died and her mom moved to VA to live with her sister
-moved to VA because she wanted to be near mom
- he left because he hated VA and couldn't find work there
-moved in with his mom and has been laying around on the couch drinking beer for 2 months and not looking for work...
Brings you up to date to Friday. Mom's had enough of picking up after him and tells him to get out. Can't say that I blame her, but it didn't go down too well. So, he's in the National Guard and has drill this weekend. I think, good- he'll get away and she'll calm down. No. His grandma (her mom who lives there too and has always done anything for him) calls and wants to know if he can live here again. I said no- he's almost 21, hasn't been looking for work, won't talk to his wife, hasn't tried to get back on the fire dept where he used to work (actually didn't show up at the meeting where they were going to talk about reinstating him) and basically needs to grow up.
I told her to tell him to go back to the apartment in VA with his name on it and see if he couldn't work it out with his wife. They've been married 1 1/2 years. There must be something there. But he doesn't want to go. Says he won't be the one to cave in! Stupid, prideful child.
Then, I found out he didn't go to drill- and had his grandmother call in for him!
The long and short of it is I won't be the enabler. I won't give him a place to stay, even if he ends up living in his car. Because if he does, he may decide to do what he is supposed to do- look for work, go to drill- and he'll appreciate what he has more because he had to earn it.
Brandon thinks I'm being mean. Mom and Scott are telling me to stick to my plan and not give in. It is the best thing for him, but tough love sure is tough!
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Don't even THINK about giving in! It sounds to me like someone needs a bit of tough love. *hugs* (I just wish I had a mom like you when I was younger. I needed a good kick in the pants!)
ReplyDeleteGood for you ! Stand strong now -it will definitely pay off in the future. I'm surprised at how many people (including myself) continue to enable others -sure our heart strings are played heavily -how could they not be ? But "tough love" as they have called it - is the only thing that works for many. And then there's Dean - 42 yrs old - lives at home with mama. Talk about enabling. REFUSES To work. So I am here to tell you - if you dont do it now - you will still be here 20 years from now.
ReplyDeleteoh Lord have mercy!! You have your hands full but stick to it!! ((((((prayers)))))))
ReplyDelete(But you can enable me to buy more dolls!)
ReplyDeleteLOL Susan... I think that kind of enabling is ok!
ReplyDeleteThat's the best thing that I learned from my divorce. My part in it- that I enabled the ex as the alcoholic he is- always tried to smooth things over and make them look good. It is a lot like painting over mold, though- it doesn't take care of the problem, only makes it look pretty for a short time.
Thanks for all the support- I know I'm doing the right thing. It's just tough to watch.
ReplyDeleteROFL! We gotta have a tea party sometime, IRL. I'll bring the dolls and the tea set, you bring yourself and we can have a picnic at the park, all of us. lol! (Yes, Savannah, too, if she wants!)
ReplyDeleteI've personal experience with that road to destruction. Love? That's great. That's one of the best things you can give a person. To help them down that road? Well, sometimes you gotta kick 'em in the backside, psychologically speaking.
Brandon doesn't really understand- this is his brother- and he doesn't want to see his brother living in the streets. I told Brandon that I would love to help- but enabling isn't really helping, it just looks like it.
ReplyDeleteBrandon will understand when he gets older. It sounds to me like brother just wants to be irresponsible. Art and I were talking about this on the way home from work, ie: where I work is management that just enables folks to remain irresponsible and shift the blame to someone else and they do this for years until the people retire, so they get a check for doing work that's not up to what they can do because, well, it's not THEIR responsibility to do the job and do it right. What he (not Brandon) is doing...it's the same thing. Everyone else has to be responsible for what HE does. That's NOT how life works. If it takes living out of your car or on the street to learn that lesson, then so be it. Sometimes, you just have to let real life take over.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that. Got the t-shirt.
Stick to your guns and DO NOT back down. Be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan- yes, I hope Chris can learn now while he's 20 and not when he's 40!
ReplyDeleteThanks Scott- prayers are good!
Let's just hope and pray that he does learn. Although, learning at 40 is better late than never. There's a lot worse things that can happen. I did learn that all too well myself. I'll keep him in my prayers, and you too. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou've all helped him and gave him chances. It's time he grows up and learns to help himself.
ReplyDeleteHis granny isn't doing him any favors. I see too many people make the mistakes she's making.
My parents would go overboard in the opposite direction. As soon as my brother and I started working we had to pay board. If I quit a job before finding another one Mom would let me slide on paying board but every time she had to buy me something like clothes or cigarettes she wrote down the costs in a little notebook she had and then when I went back to work I had to pay her back plus start paying board again. Oh, and there was no lay around drinking beer or whatever at their house-if I wanted to drink I had to do it away from home, unless it was some eggnog at Christmas or beer with crabs, there wasn't a lot of drinking done at our home.
I think I've been very fair to Chris. I didn't have to do anything for him after his dad left. But I did a lot, because I do care. And he didn't appreciate it. It is time for him to grow up and try to help himself. Maybe then I can help and actually have it be helpful, not enabling.
ReplyDeleteYou do your best. That's all you can do. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSounds tough but very right.
ReplyDeleteIt feels tough but right.
ReplyDeleteMeanie.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it.
ReplyDeleteGood for YOU! And, he'll either get it or he won't. But, at this age.. yea.. he needs to grow-up. Stick to your principles.. you have REAL kids to raise. End of story.
ReplyDeleteAnd.. you have the scenario down pat.. for you to let him live with you.. at this point.. is to enable him.. he'll NEVER grow.. until you boot him out of the nest! lol
ReplyDeleteHe wants things his way, to be the tough guy. Well I have an idea, something that might turn him around. See if you can get him into a prison tour, whereby felons talk to kids. Let him hear first hand how they wanted it their way and played the tough guy, and where it got them. It can have a sobering effect on a person. Let him hear the metal doors open and close and reverberate along a long corridor. It's that final sound that freedom is no longer free.
ReplyDeleteJust saying..
Tough love is tough, but no one else will do the tough part other than you. No sense in stopping at this point.
Keep doing what your doing. It's a hard thing ... but it's the right thing. Huggers 8=)
wow
ReplyDeleteyou've had a lot to deal with too! [you know my teenage daughter stuff]
((((hugs))))
Your right it is tough to watch our children suffer...but the sad part is that its all part of the growing process. Right now your stepson sounds like he is going thru a depression state and his own Grandmother didn't help the situation by calling him off of his weekend drill. He needs help but not the help of a handout.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you 100% on this, sis. It won't achieve a thing if other people keep solving his problems for him. It's one thing to help him out when he's trying, but in the state he's in, as mean as it seems, maybe he needs to hit rock bottom.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you agree with me too! Mom and Scott agree, and Savannah understands. It is tough for Brandon because he thinks he's like Chris- the stepson. I'm glad you understand, bro. Talk to Brandon about it the next time you see him, will ya?
ReplyDeleteI hardly see him anymore, but if I do I will.
ReplyDeleteJoin the club, I just see him when he has dirty laundry or needs money!
ReplyDeleteI'm a tough love kind of mom. I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely correct Janeen. It's a damn shame though and you must be suffering but what you are doing is correct.
ReplyDeleteI told my kids I'd only bail them out of jail once. Three out of five hit me up, and two out of that three so far found out I wasnt lieing... Tough love!!! ;)
ReplyDelete